The last couple months have been weird. The murkiness of our future has been hanging over my head so heavily for the last few months, that I actually stopped obsessively dreaming about hungry black holes sucking me into nothingness. Instead I had these ridiculous, attending-school-without-pants dreams. You know, the one where you show up late for a class that you forgot you had (even though you are long done with school), and have to take an exam that you didn't study for, and then, to top it all off, you glance down only to discover that for some bizarre reason, you have neglected to fully dress the lower half of your body. Fan.tastic.
We sat around waiting to see if we would move, and to which of the possible five locations we would move to, and in the end, the only option was not a financially viable one. Doctorate applications for big U.S. universities are a nightmare, especially if you are a Non-U.S. student in a tiny country, completing your masters in a university no one in the U.S. has heard of. The University where my husband was excepted, unfortunately, wanted us to show them a bank account with 80,000 US dollars, just so that he could be admitted and then look for funding within the system. Just reflecting back on this makes me laugh somewhat bitterly, as we live in a country where the average monthly pay is 30 USD per 8-12 hour day. That's 600 USD per month. Of course, now that the exchange rate has changed, and not in our favor, it is more like 550/month. Meanwhile the price of food and rent continues to climb, as pay for blue collar jobs and unskilled workers remains the same.
I spent a good two solid weeks trying to cheer up my morose and disappointed husband, putting on the best happy face that I could. Let me tell you, "happy face" is exhausting! Especially when while smiling, you are taking the (rude) brunt of someones disappointment. I suppose in a way, I was trying to avoid my own disappointment by discouraging his.
The problem with happy face, other than being annoyingly exhausting, is that once you finally give in and confront your "negative" feelings, you are too exhausted from pretending that everything is ok and putting on a brave face, to successfully rationalize and overcome those "negative" feelings and the reasons behind them. Some of the darkest women I've known were peppy, smiley, vivacious women, who on the inside, were secretly dying a little each day.
If there is a moral to the story, it would be to confront your fears, your disappointments, your anger. Don't let it fester underneath the surface while pretending everything is ok. Holding back your tears or suppressing your anger does not make you a strong person. It makes you a broken robot.
My clockwork lady. Watercolor on paper, reference photo for the non-clockwork lady features used (from Vogue).
Last year I taught English at a "Japanese" school (not actually in Japan, I should note). The principal asked me to make a painting for it. I really struggled with what I would paint because I tend to gravitate toward sort of intense emotive portraits which my mom describes as "schreklich" and "geistlich". So, I settled for a geisha doing a fan dance, using a snapshot from the movie "Memoirs of a Geisha". It wasn't very original (There are literally a dozen paintings on the internet of this particular film shot), but it was a great opportunity to practice my watercolor techniques.
Do you ever wonder what your home will look like in 1000 years? What if humanity is wiped out and our concrete forests are just left to the mercy of time and the elements? I feel terrible for future generations, because although I might not live to see it, we will eventually run out of places to stuff our garbage, and it is inevitable that our natural resources will be depleted if we don't change our habits (clean oxygen, anyone?).
I found this delicious little creature on my fig tree. My dog, in overenthusiastic jealousy, knocked it off with her tail, but it managed to fly over to another plant. It's sort of like a giant ladybug, but without the spots and with a color much more vibrant.
I take enormous amounts of pleasure in looking at living things that have naturally bright or deep colors, so this was, what I would consider eye candy. If you don't know how to break off moments out of your dreary day to take pleasure in the things around you, then I strongly encourage you to do so! Go for a walk, and let yourself be filled with beauty. If you live in a city, then go to a park, or for a drive. This cookie cutter design of life that everyone expects us to lead is far too dull to be fulfilling or nourishing. Nourish yourself.
Stuck in an art rut? Do you hate most of the art/music/writing/cooking/crafting/sewing that you do? Fret not my artsy friends, the first few years of your career or non-career as an artist are supposed to suck monster balls. Its true, because Ira Glass said so.
Lets be honest, we oftentimes expect great things from ourselves with little to no practice. We are lazy and childish in our artistic habits. We dream of creating amazing works of art, but when we first begin an art form we tend to be sort of...well, terrible at it. When my sister in law started dancing a few years ago, I'm certain she moved about like a clumsy ogre. Now she moves with the grace and fluidity of a hummingbird. The first time I made Alfredo sauce it was a wretched clumpy mess of cheese and liquid. Now, after lots of practice, I'm a great cook. When a friend of mine first started painting, her techniques left something to be desired. Now she has grown substantially in her non-career as a painter.
What I'm trying to say is, don't beat yourself up for being mediocre, and don't let it drag you down! Do lots of boring technical practice to hone your skills and you will eventually turn out exceptional work. Don't only paint things that you want to paint, paint things that you think will help you improve, like still life paintings (I am anticipating your angry sighs, still life is the bane of our existences). Or if you sing, practice your vaccai and scales every day. If you are a cook, repeat a recipe with your personal changes until the recipe is amazing. Second to practicing, you must have patience and be understanding enough that eventually (if you keep practicing), you will be great at whatever you do.
Don't let your dreams of greatness weigh down on your expectations, instead let them power you forward like a goal for the future. Good luck!
I love plants. I've always considered myself as a bringer of doom as far as plant life goes, but here in Costa Rica I am a green fingered goddess. As long as I give things room to grow and leave them outside (and occasionally dump some coffee grounds or compost on them), then they flourish beautifully! The juxtaposition of plant growth in Seattle compared with plant growth here is simply bizarre and leads me to wonder if this place really is magical. Probably not, but what if...
Everywhere you go, there is greenery, and it rises up brightly like a song to the gods (too tacky? haha). However, one of my favorite green places is a botanical garden in the central valley, which I believe is owned and run by the biology department of the University of Costa Rica. It has an entire room full of orchids, some of which you have to use a magnifying glass to properly view. That's right, tiny anatomically perfect orchids exist, and they are no less beautiful than your average-sized orchid. Below are some pictures I took the last time I was there.
This is one of those tiny orchids I was referring to; it was the size of the tip of my pinkie finger. It was the smallest one I could get with my current lense, but there was a little area with tinier orchids and a magnifying class for viewing pleasure. I wouldn't even have noticed them, if it weren't for my husband's uncle pointing them out (a botanist of sorts).
Another orchid, this one with a very interesting mechanism for pollination. An insect lands on a petal, slides down into the "bowl" and then has to crawl back up, thus dragging pollen up with it.
This was some very thick bamboo.
I found these beauties off to the side of the cactus garden! I have no idea what they are, but they reminded me so much of pretty little lanterns.
NOW do you understand why I love this place?! The plant life is revitalizing!
I tried my hand at mixing some beats and synth on FL Studio, then added some vocals on the usual program (I use Sonar, though its been giving me a lot of shit lately) and this is what I got. I realize that I have a long way to go in making decent electronic music, but hey, a girls got to start somewhere, right? My question is, how do people use synths and actually make them sound cool? I use synths and they sound like they should be accompanying some tacky car commercial from the 80's. Anyway, fruity loops (oh ahem, right, the name was changed to something less flamboyant, which I by the way resent) is a great program. Its a little pricey I suppose, but fairly easy to use, especially if you are a visual person. The sound banks are incredible too. Anyway, give it a listen :-)
We had this bed and night tables custom made to fit our wants/needs. As much I love victorian style furniture, I find that it looks tacky in a house that is not pompously oversized (even then, it tends to look pretentious). For my own house, I prefer a more sleek, simple, and modern look. This bed features carved out X's on the headboard and footboard. We actually requested three X's, but somehow ended up with four, probably because of the bed size we ordered. Did you know that there is a bed size in between queen and king?
We bought this bed with our honeymoon money, insisting that we would have our honeymoon at a later date. As it turns out, when you're in love, every day, anywhere, is a honeymoon. At least, that's what I tell myself to avert the attention away from my loathsome art of procrastination.
I wanted to keep the bedroom as simple as possible. We have one black wall, three grey/blue walls (to create a relaxing atmosphere) and black heavy curtains to keep the room dark. And what would a love den be without some tacky Ikea heart lights to set the mood?
I write this as I sip on a delicious dark drink that I just finished concocting. I wanted to make a cosmopolitan, but decided to substitute the regular triple sec for Blue Curacao. It ended up looking quite pretty, and equally delicious. I also added extra lemon juice because I'm a sucker for sour things. If you like sweet drinks, then you will most likely love this.
2 shots vodka
1 shot blue curacao (I used Bardinet)
1 shot of freshly squeezed lime or lemon juice
1/2 cup cranberry juice
lemon peel or slice for garnish
Mix vodka, curacao, lime juice and cranberry juice in a mixer. Put desired amount of ice in a cocktail glass and pour in your wicked mix. Enjoy!
It is a blackish drink with a charming purplish hue
I've recently become quite enamored with apple cider vinegar. It literally smells like death (and tastes like hell), but works like some magical fairy dust, curing many ailments. I may sound a bit like some 1800's peddler, selling my wunder-tincture out of the back of a horse-pulled wagon, but I swear on my un-dug grave, it really is a wunder-tincture.
I take about a tablespoon with a glass of cold water twice a day, and after a couple months, I now require a belt to keep my pants up. It aids in digestion, and supposedly increases your metabolism and helps move lipids out of your intestines. Here are some things that I can contest to that ACV works on...
~weightloss: take a teaspoon of raw organic apple cider vinegar mixed with a glass of water 10-20 mins before each meal. Most people say it works slowly. Perhaps they are just impatient, but I've decreased pant sizes pretty rapidly, and I'm not even overweight.
~digestion: ACV makes your stomach a very unpleasant place for candida and other nasties. If taken regularly, it can help with chronic bloating and diarrhea, and generally just help you digest your food more easily.
~hair care: mix about 1 teaspoon in a cup of water. Shampoo your hair as usual, and follow with this rinse. Leave it in for a couple minutes and rinse it out with luke warm water. It seals the hair shaft and reduces product build-up, making your hair shiny, light, and very manageable.
~psoriasis/dandruff: apply with the hair rinse above, or mix the vinegar 1:1 ratio with warm water and apply to psoriasis with a cotton ball before bed.
~skin care: ever wonder how Scarlett Johansson has such flawless skin? She uses apple cider vinegar on her face as a toner. You can mix this 1:2 ratio and apply after washing your face. I prefer to use cream afterward, but that is up to you.
It is important to get raw and unfiltered ACV because of the nutritional properties of the sediment at the bottom. If you are like me, and live in a country where only filtered vinegar is available, you can easily order it online (I order from Vitacost, they ship to outside of the US).